Thrashed Grove

When I was a mundane and nightly sought "a little action"
I cruised bars and discoes 'til my cash it was spent
But now I am SCA (pronounced "skah")
And the term we like to use is "wenching"
and I try my hand at it at every event
And being dashing and bold I'd not sleep in the cold
But each dawn I'd awake in abject misery
For I've found there are maidens that the
gods never meant for wenching
Pay heed all young swains and take warning by me.

First there's the maiden whose strength marks her as a fighter
Her developed physique makes you sure you'll have fun
Shyly ask if she'll please take your favor with her into combat
If she does you may think that your battle is done
But a six-in-one corsette
Will catch hairs or -- worse yet!
She's sure to cry "light" most inopportunely
Beware of the maiden who thinks of chainmail as pajamas
Pay heed oh young swains and take warning by me

Next is the maiden whose green marks her as a herald
Research your submission if you want it to pass
If she's amused at the thought of some charges in a field empty
You may play your greensleves in a clump of tall grass
But your sure to go deaf from he shout of "oyez!"
And the whole camp shall know of your night's revelry
Beware of the maiden whose voice could flatten an encampment
pay heed oh young swains and take warning by me.

A brewer is bouncy her eyes always sparkle
She laughs long and loudly and her face is flushed pink
She'll ask you to try a little something she's been working on
You can feel your hopes rise as she offers a drink
But though her strong potions may rouse strong emotions
They insure that you can't rouse your ahem "ability"
Beware of the maiden whose honey'd kisses are fermented mead
Pay heed oh young swains and take warning by me.

So I sat despondent at the close of last revel
Then I jumped in surprise when my butt it was pinched
A comely lass asked if I please could spare a little tent space
I told her no problem and tried not to wince
But my tent mate that night was the sheerest delight
And when dawn came I rose and I shouted with glee
Oh give me the maiden who got her AOA in wenching
pay head oh young swains and take warning by me.

---