Scotland's Depraved
To the tune of There Were Three Bonnie Lassies, Came from the Isle of Wight
There was a bonnie lassie, and she had brothers three;
She did love a foreign lord, who came from Coventry.
Her brothers did not like this and they told her to her face,
"We're fearful, bonnie sister, the family you'll disgrace.
For you're a highborn Scottish lass, of noble highland birth,
And we don't think no foreign laird can give you what you're worth!"
She said, "He is a valiant lord - he'll show you what he's got,
You'll see the stuff he's made of - he'll out-Scottish any Scot!"
"We'll set him tests of honor," the brothers they declared,
"And if he canna do them, we'll surely know he's scared,
In fact we clearly doubt that he'll escape from them alive,
And so we'll set the contest - the trials will be five."
The first contest was golfing, in which the lord did fine.
He killed a dozen hedgehogs while shooting the back nine.
He double-bogied every hole, his ball went wide and far,
But when they counted hedgehogs, they found he'd broken par!
The second one was piping, in which he held his own,
He outdid all the brothers, for on and on he'd drone.
He kept his pipes a'skirlin' 'til they all were out of breath,
The reason - not his diaphragm - it's just that he's tone deaf!
The next trial was sword dancing - with bare feet & bare sword,
And in this painful trial, he proved a mighty lord.
"Good brothers I don't understand - you said this would be hard!
They made me wear my armor when I learned to galliard!"
The fourth contest was drinking, the knight showed them his stuff.
He chug-a-lugged from six more jugs when they had cried, "Enough!"
He planned to take the excess home, he put it in a pail...
"It makes a welcome change," he said, "from luke-warm English ale!"
The fifth and final contest, this valiant knight was told,
Was to eat a hag-gis [pause] while it was still COLD!
The knight he ate a score of them, he said "Good friends come here.
I'll have another score, but - this time with Worcestershire!"
When the trials were over, her kin said "Sister dear,
Though he has won the contest, you may not wed, we fear.
For when we were out golfing, he proved his mind's unsound.
The man, he must be crazy, he loaned me half a crown!"
"Begone you silly spendthrift, to you I won't be wed.
The way you throw your gold around, you must have lost your head!"
The knight he quit the highlands and returned to Coventry,
The lass she wed a highland man, kept Scottish lovers, three.
Thus it goes in Scottish lands, the sexes both are bawds,
Where half of them are bastards, and all of them tightwads!
This tale is nearly over and I'm singin' on one lung,
But to conclude the moral, at last it must be sung...
CLOSING [to the tune of Scotland the Brave]
O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-h, (sound like a set of pipes starting up)
Scotland it is the land, please
For lusty lairds and lassies,
Though England may be moral
SCOTLAND'S DEPRAVED!
This songbook is collected mainly for my personal use and the enjoyment of my friends.
If you are the author or copyright holder of this song and would like me to take it down, please just write to me at
songbook-at-waks-dot-org, and I will do so.